2026-05-08, 22:31: queeries
this post is kinda long. idk why when i talk about this topic it always gets so long. im gonna start snoring rereading this.
i think ive been watching too many youtube videos about being trans and non-binary recently. idk ig because im in a new school, around new people, im thinking more about how i want to present myself. at the moment i identify as nb, i have a lot of doubts but i think im the very least not completely cis. people just see me as a girl and im used to it thats how its always been thats fine. but i hate the thought that probably no one will ever see me any other way, at least not irl unless i tell them otherwise. before i started school 3 weeks ago, i was fine dressing femininely because thats the clothes i have and thats what i like sometimes. but now that i want to be seen as something other than a girl i feel like i cant dress femininely anymore which sucks. i do like dressing androgynously but i dont like that recently i feel the need to dress a different way to feel like im doing something. (well, i dressed kinda feminine today but i saw a pic of me where at the angle it was taken my neck looked kinda masc and that made me feel good.. heh.. today was ok).
i suppose that is exactly one of my doubts about being nb is that im not doing enough like im not actually trans because i didnt transition in any way so i must be faking i must be mistaken thinking im nb. i want to say thats internalised transphobia but i generally tend to doubt my thoughts and any sort of internal feelings anyway. i also wonder if this is all just internalised misogyny because the worst thing in the world is being a woman. woman. i never refer to myself as a woman or lady, only ever girl. maybe im just immature.. because i'd never call myself a man but sometimes i call myself a boy or a guy. to me masculine terms feel neutral, and i like them on me, like guy, sir, whatever. but i know that kind of stems from our misogynistic world where masculinity is the default so like.. is it misogyny..?? when i think about some of my fears with being a "woman" is the idea that there will be expectations of me solely because i am a girl and i hate that. please dont have expectations of me. please dont think im like this. and idk if thats like cuz im nb or because i dont like the idea of people telling me what personal decisions i should make i like my freedom. do you see the problem im facing??
in some of the videos ive been watching and in their comments, two main points stuck out to me. 1. how you see yourself can be how you feel. in her example, she was talking about how choosing to see herself as a feminine man instead of a masculine woman made hher feel good about herself and i think that is something i want to adopt. especially because my ideal for how i wish i could look like is a feminine guy but im not even a masculine girl so it doesnt feel possible but maybe if i just allow myself to see the little things about myself as being a feminine guy then maybe i'll be happier with how i look. 2. transness isnt about the dysphoria but the euphoria. no doubt i definitely feel a bit of dysphoria with things like my chest, my voice, my height, etc. ive tried a few things to deal with them but it never fully satisfies me. but maybe if i focus on things that make me feel good (like how you should focus on the positives instead of negatives) i will feel a bit better.
ive been reflecting on things that make me feel gender euphoria and here is a list of what i know so far right noww:
- having dark coloured nails
- knowing my face looks more like the men on my father's side
- my hair. its short hair with sidetails, best of both worlds
- baggy dress pants. feels androg too..
- my black dress shirt
- my black hat
- being referred to by they/them
- drawing OCs that represent me as feminine boys
- theres probably more i just dk rn
i honestly wish i didnt care. i wish 16 year old me didnt start thinking about this like way too much because its annoying. i dont like caring about how i present (well i also dont dress basic anyway so um i already care but not because of gender originally) i dont like being self conscious of my natural features i dont like being unsatisfied i dont like questioning my life like this. and even if i did accept all this fully i cant even come out. im out online, but its not associated with my irl identity. only my close friends (3) know im nb and some people from my old school know i use they/them pronouns cuz i changed it on instagram but thats about it. maybe i'll come out to new friends (which i dont have...) but i'll never be able to come out to my family. im from a religious household so uh anything lgbtq is off the table no discussion. whenever my mum will call me a "pretty girl" or "smart girl" i hate that that makes me slightly uncomfortable (i dont usually mind being considered a girl but the emphasis on girl makes it uncomfortable..). i hate that i will call myself a guy in preexisting phrases like "chill guy" and my mum will say "not girl?" THAT NOT THE MEME THATS NOT THE MEME AND WHY DOES IT MATTER WHY DOES IT MATTER.
i remember when i was 13 there was a person in my class who was openly queer. looking back i honestly admire how they got like everyone to call them by their preferred name, even the teachers. it probably helped that their preferred name at the time was like a letter off from their real name but it's still pretty cool imo. especially because i would never have the guts to change my name if people already know my legal name. i dont hate my legal name, i dont mind being called it. if i search it up some guy pops up so to me it makes me feel a bit better knowing it can be gender neutral. but recently someone i knew irl called me ciel and it didnt actually feel as weird as i thought it would be. only my close friends even know i call myself ciel but i never really expected any of them to actually call me this silly name i call myself. today i met some new people and the thing is we didnt introduce ourselves verbally because it never came up. i gave someone my contact so they could send me something and i put my name as ciel. i felt so sneaky like they dont know this isnt my real name :gasp: i think they were also going by a name that isnt their legal name which is kinda cool but idk if theyre queer or just a vocaloid fan. hmmm...
i think another thing that makes me feel like im faking being nb is that i never thought i was anything but a girl until very recently. ive gone my whole life just being a girl. i think one time in roblox someone referred to me as a he and i was like "im a girl". i never mentioned my pronouns, the idea of going "my pronouns are she/her" is like kinda uncomfortable for me for some reason. i remember seeing my sister's instagram profile having the pronouns as she/her and i didnt know cis people also put their pronouns on their profile. i never put pronouns on my profile because i felt the need to keep it ambiguous for some reason. in fact i think my everskies phase was what made me begin questioning my idenity. i wanted to make a cool profile and yk everyone puts pronouns on their profile but i didnt wanna put she i knew i wasnt a he and i obviously could not be a they right? myeah anyway i thought i would go no pronouns but that was just avoiding the problem. also one time i was playing royale high and i showed my (other) sister that i could go in both the girl's and boy's bathrooms and how i liked it and she went "that's so they/them" and idk if that was supposed to be an insult but it was oddly predictive.
other than being nb ive also wondered if im on the aroace spectrum but the reason i have no way of confirming this is because i dont talk to people..?? i was in an all girls' school for my whole life until my current school and all i can say coming out of that is im not into girls (believe me i tried). tbf i do have trouble forming deep relationships with like anybody but still. i would consider myself straight or liek "into guys" because i disproportionately think guys are hot compared to women (though i do like my men androgynous...) but idk if that's attraction or #genderenvy YAKNOW?. and because ive always been around girls i feel much more comfortable befriending them than guys so ive never really gotten to know any guys enough to know that i like them and would be attracted to a guy romantically or sexually. i mean i find men attractive but would i date one? IDFK AND I'LL NEVER KNOW!! i like the idea of having someone who is comfortable with my touching them as much as i like (cuddling, hugging, grabbing their arm, stuff i'd do with my mum) and that's basically all i need a boyfriend(/husband because im from a religious family.. no premarital handholding..) for. but that isnt like being attracted to men i just want a living pillow that releases my feel good brain chemicals basically.. so in conclusion i have no idea if im aroace speec because im an (i may be using this incorrectly) incel. thank you and good night idfk why this is so long.
